Twisted Reflection

Gawd I ache.

You know, that feeling you have during intermission of having a vital piece of equipment decide to go retarded on you when you needed it most. In doing so has put a dead stop to the last step of out the door production of product. You've gotten as far with prepares and redneck engineering as you can to "just" get back into operation...the band aid.

And still waiting on key parts to to hit the UPS entrance so you can go threw and redo everything over again the right way. It comes from having equiptment that has parts that none of the handful of electrical supply joints locally have even heard of let alone have on a shelf. Even the electricians scratch there head.

While one ton deadlines swing on a mere string over your head.

And your the man... everyone else's income under one working roof requires.. that you be "it" or doors will shut.
The one who knows it all, the one who will fix it... faith.. unconditional faith.

A little time to sit and think and drain. ... while waiting ... waiting... when people who's income rely that you be a god.. the look in there eyes, they see a god... the one who will save it all. They believe what you believe, they trust that all you say is the ultimate true.
It will be.

How they can get that from watching smoke and wires and testing equipment and funky little tools and half burned cigarettes and cussing and leftover food stains mixed with blood stains on grimey clothing on a mussed up madman with a nervous twitch and shitty attitude.... the mess on the floor the crap under his fingernails ... lacking a shave yet having bags under his eyes....
I will never know.


You put your own life on complete hold. You put off your real estate agent and a possible looker, you cancel appointments, reschedule personal clients, let your "other" work sit on your desk and fall behind, forget about the plumbing that needs fixed at home, let the dishes sit, wonder if the money was really there you had to spend, ask that creditors try back, shove everything else aside and turn blind to it..... and you make it..this one thing... true. The clock goes from 9pm to 1am before you know it then you get up the next morning and hit it running again....and go...and go....and go.

I've somehow always ended up in the position of being "the one" at almost every work place I have ever been in... as well as co-enhabitational settings. ... when shit hit's the fan and no one else knows how to fix it. ... yet I'm perpetually starving.

I am intelligent, I may have a few social handicaps...but I am extremely intelligent. I have a few natural gifts that sometimes I almost wish I didn't have.

In the right moment, in the right place... I end up godly
but given two hours of peace, when it all starts to ache....the body rejects pleasure, the mind wilts from the inlfamation of sensory and cogitation pounding and I somehow know that... that comes with unusual pains .
Everything at a price, even when it's hidden.

Regards
Savage
.